Tuesday, December 9, 2014

I should have been named Lucy...

So as always, something I posted made a scene and I've been told in the words of my Nonnie's and I's favorite show hunk, Ricardo, "you've got some splainin' to do"...although it was by some really good friends who actually thought the whole story would be beneficial in the long run so per their advice I'm going to do what I don't normally do. I'm going to actually explain where I was coming from with my last post, RSVP 

I had several people call me or approach me even at church with smiles and concern just wanting to make sure that I wasn't referencing them. I was blessed to have the chance to explain to them already I was talking about a business man who had just sent my blood boiling that day but in order for the whole picture to be seen we're going to back up a month. Ten amazing vendors and I spent hours putting together a craft show that involved a lot of money to take care of enough food to feed 40 people (per the rsvp of 30 plus the 10 vendors), the decorations for eight tables, and the gift baskets that were donated by the vendors for our raffle. This was all done voluntarily by spouses who wanted to do something nice for other spouses. We had 30, count 'em 30, RSVP's that said yes we will be there. 6 showed up. SIX! Some of the vendors were upset. I was upset. My husband was upset because he helped pay for the people who never showed...When I finally got home that night after two amazing spouses I had just met helped me with so much I sat down and just talked with my husband. One of those eye opening, dot connecting conversations that happen when you're just worn down in life. That's when I realized how I felt about our generation and RSVP practices. We don't treat appointments this way I thought. Just each other. Just parties and play dates and Facebook related events...

So I sat down and vented about it. Because that is what my blog is for. To vent my opinion. In my safe zone.

Fast forward a month when life has gotten crazy and I have three posts sitting there untouched just waiting to be finalized and posted...because in order to post I have to move something else off my calendar and that isn't easy during the holidays. Normally I write Holiday posts during the summer so all I have to do is hit post. 

That's my dirty little secret of the week. I, like so many other bloggers, cheat!

All of a sudden though, I found myself with time. Time that normally I would spend with my son. This day though I had a fire lit under me because of a phrase said by a professional at a reputable college.

A phrase that had fire because of two weeks of work that went under because of one little person. You see two weeks earlier I decided to pick up a dream that I had set aside when I got married. I decided to finish my degree. Except I spent two weeks having to prove who I am as a person vs an appendage because the government thinks that as a married woman I am nothing more than a surname. Want to go to school under your married name? Fine. Have your husband sign this form. Orrrr....fill out this packet of info. Changed your SS info to reflect your marriage status? here's a packet of info! Want you transcripts sent over? Fill this out! Taxes for Financial Aid? Packet. I spent weeks printing, filing, scanning, emailing, calling, loopholing, proving to everyone that I'm a real person who can stand on my own and not as an adjective to someone else, ie: Airman's Wife or Monkey's Mama. It was degrading and frustrating and then when we're down to the wire after dealing with transcripts and 5 different schools and so many people I lost count it came down to one crucial appointment over the phone with a Financial Aid Manager. 8:30am Friday morning. School started on Monday bear in mind...but you know 8:30 came...and went. So did 8:45, 8:50, 8:55...9:00 hit and I called them. Thirty minutes later I was finally put in touch with the right person. THIRTY MINUTES! I was told my number had been transposed. Instead of the guy saying "hey, this girl has been successfully contacted for 2 weeks now so something must be wrong", He just went about his day. When I finally was about to be transferred to him they told me he would just call me back later because he was about to do something else. Welllllll, that didn't work for me. Appointments are appointments for a reason. I had planned my day to accommodate him. Cleaned my house, cooked lunch, prepped for a playdate that didn't happen, all so I could give him my undivided attention. When I told the CSR that He needed to speak with me then this is the response I got. "It says in your chart...   

You're a SAHM. It's not like you have anything else to do today".

I about pulled the poor kid through the phone line and ripped him three new holes to operate with.
RSVP issues suddenly aren't in Facebook land. It's in our professional world. Appointments mean nothing. Our time means nothing. My time as a mother was severely disrespected yet again by a man in a suit who thinks I'm sitting on my laurels eating chocolate watching soaps...when in reality I am now plotting how to pull his butt through a phone to beat it for the sheer impertinence of his statement. 

*LiGhTbUlB* RSVP Post! I already have it ready...tippity tap tap...finalize it in anger at this stupid stupid man and then on with my day I went...until shit hit the ceiling.

Suddenly I have someone mad because it must have been directed at them. I have someone else messaging me because they wanted to check it wasn't at them. Others are still coming out of the woodwork asking me about it from all over the U.S. and while some are really sweet about it others are not. It's just like every other post. I'm used to the dialogue at this point. Someone tells me to "see it from the other point of view" and inevitably brings my kid into the mix and my husband and I end up laughing in the kitchen over it. I tell him what's said and inevitably he asks "Has anyone asked you what was going on behind the scenes with you?" and my answer always has to be "No". No one has actually asked me what my family is dealing with. I am an open book. I will tell you what we deal with if asked but I find that most people genuinely don't care enough to ask. And the ones that have are never the ones that get upset over my blog. 

And my kid...my crazy amazing kid who has beat odds that most people don't even know about...In the last month he finally tested at the low end of the acceptable normal hearing levels. For the first time since he was 6 months old. He's got more testing to go through for other things and various doctors are thinking he might be borderline spectrum so when people throw my kid in the mix my husband and I laugh at that too. Inevitably my husband asks "so having one kid makes your emotions moot?" and I always have to say "apparently so". It is so stupid to us for two reasons actually. One, Having one kid doesn't make our feelings matter less or us understand less. In fact, little known fact about me, I have 4 years as a live in/ full time nanny under my belt. Those moms we make fun of...the SAHM who don't stay at home because they're too busy working out, shopping, or brunching...yea. I was that nanny. The one who from sun-up to sun-down was mom. With 4+ kids. Cooking, cleaning, shopping with multiples is nothing to me because I was doing it at 19. 19 people! It takes planning and a schedule and it blows but it was a choice. That I made and loved actually. We have made a choice for medical reasons to have one kid at this time, against what we actually wanted to do when we got married, so throwing that at us isn't ok anymore than using your kids as an excuse for always being late is. Get up earlier. You chose to have multiples. I have friends and family who have 5+ kids and they're always early. It's not only possible it's just as required as anyone with just one kid. We don't get an excuse and neither do any parents with more than one. And gender doesn't matter either. I'm so tired of hearing this. There is good and bad for both genders so when people tell me it's easier to deal with my boy it makes me want to punch something. I have a son who doesn't mentally comprehend on some days how to put a shirt on. other days he's fine. His comprehension is hit and miss so I get to get up early regardless because we never know what type of day we're going to have.
Every parent's day is determined by their child's mentality and comprehension not their age and gender.

And that doesn't even begin to cover the rest of the stress going on...Because that's part of why I posted what I posted. I am so stressed with Permanent Leave starting on the 18th, the temporary apartment hunting, the permanent house hunting, the packing for the move, the VA loan, the two job hunts happening simultaneously, the school research for me and Monkey which impacts the house hunting and job hunting in so many ways it's comical, the Dr. switching for all three of us...and doing all of this blindly because that's the way we do things in the Military. Better yet with all of our support multiple states away. I am beyond stressed. So stressed that to have someone tell me that all the work I do as a SAHM doesn't actually happen apparently, threw me over the edge. Instead of playing nice and blowing it off, I posted about it.

So yes...There is always something happening behind the scenes in peoples lives. No, I was not lying about the last post when I said it was a generational issue that needed to be fixed across the board. Yes, it had been written ages before it was posted. No, to all the lovely people who came to me graciously and asked me...it was not about you. It was about that idiotic professional at school if it's about anyone. 

The best part about all of this is that it worked as this weird sort of weeder for my life. In one fell swoop I found out who would forget everything they knew about me and focus only on the bad vs those that would give me the benefit of the doubt. Those that would jump on an invisible bandwagon and choose sides without ever stopping to find out the truth vs those that would pause and realise that while I am a lot of things, subtle has never been one of them. I found out that in the midst of this crazy busy and incredibly stressful time that is threatening to drown out my family who I can really count on, and for that I am grateful. I had prayed for help in paring down our lives and focusing on those that were best for our family and God in His weird way, answered that prayer. He used a genuinely innocent post done in anger towards a faceless man to show me the true feelings of soooo many people around me, both good and bad. With that note I am done. I am done explaining our life and my state of affairs.  You can take it or leave it as you wish. But from here on out I have decided that all laughing with my husband in the kitchen will be over things that are worth remembering. This Season in life is too precious to miss and as stressful as it is, I for one don't want to miss the other amazing ways God will show Himself.

Best Wishes, 

Jules & Hubby

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